In His Words

The paper trail from our relationship is astonishing.  Outsiders are baffled and shocked when they hear how often my ex-husband communicated via email.  We’re not talking “how’s your day?” or “what are our plans later?” type of messages.  No, I received 8 page missives on a regular basis.  Preaching to me about the horrors of the world, the sins of how I was living, and the enlightenment of his perfect wisdom.  While it was difficult to live through, it’s now easy to look back and see the crazy.  I have indisputable evidence.

So without further ado, the single email that stands out as the best representative example.  Explanations offered in <italics>.

Subject: Another Annoying Message from Somebody You Hate…

Hi darling,

First, thank you for sharing with me that you vaccinated <Child 2>.  I know that took “great” courage on your part.  I also know that you are doing your very best based on what you know.  I understand that you are concerned about their health, too. <He was very strongly anti-vaccine.  I respected that, to a degree, and did research as he requested.  After I “properly educated myself” he agreed that I could have our child vaccinated as I felt appropriate.  I chose just a few vaccines, given to our child much later than the typical schedule.  This email was his response, even though he had expressly given his consent.>

It is unlikely that you will enjoy this email any more than anything else I have sent you.  But, since you already hate me – what have I got to lose?  This is NOT about “YOU”, this is about our children.  You and I didn’t choose to become incomplete, and hoodwinked, human doings – it is simply a side effect of our culture.

I was unable to respond the other night because I felt all warm inside and extremely sick to my stomach and scared to death for our boys because you still believe in the profitable theater of modern medicine.  Every time you take them to the doctor I feel sick to my stomach and anxious that you will subject them to various poisons.  Allowing our children to become profitable pawns in the medical system is one of my greatest fear in life – along with subjecting them to factory warehouse schooling prisons and the continual poisoning of their bodies with junk food.  All will destroy any future they may have had. <Our children very rarely saw a doctor – only for their scheduled wellness check-ups or if they were extremely sick (a tick bite with the symptoms of Lyme disease, pneumonia nearing the point of hospitalization…)  The kids never took medicine or even vitamins outside of these rare occasions.  >

All the wasted money on the castle no longer bothers me one bit.  <For a few years we owned a more expensive home than we needed; he conveniently forgets it was his desire at the time.> Money is just another tool to control human beings.  We truly need so very little of it to survive.  What bothers me is that we allowed doctors to insert something into <Child 1>’s head while he was still in the womb.  <checking his heart rate after a scary monitor reading> That we allowed them to tear him out early <induced labor> into a shockingly bright, cold, sterile environment and then tear him out of your arms to inspect him like a used car. <standard hospital delivery>  That we allowed them to butcher him (circumcision).  That we allowed them to inject him with poisons both at delivery and in the NICU. <standard vitamins and vaccines> That we allowed him to be poisoned yet again by his doctor repeatedly (vaccinations, vitamins and acid reflux drugs).  That we shoved him into a crib in the closet all by himself?  <A huge walk-in the size of a small bedroom, the only room dark enough that he slept through the night.  Though it really does sound stupid now> That his breast milk was saturated with chemicals. <I carefully avoided medications of all kinds.  I was merely filled with chemicals because I dared to eat meat and dairy, breaking from the vegan diet he ordered>

We are conditioned to just brush such things off as having no lingering impact.  That is total bullshit.  How can it not shape his body and subconscious mind?  What a horrible way to be welcomed into this world!  The only people he could trust ignored his needs.  I am sure this plays a role in the lack of closeness he has always maintained as well as his current struggles.  How could he trust us after that?!  In addition to the way he is treated today as a little person (child) instead of with the respect granted full human beings.  I don’t need Oprah or Dr. Phil or pseudo-science to confirm this.  When I think of all of this, I truly want to curl up and die.  It is the biggest regret I have in life.  Followed closely by allowing my mom to be poisoned by the same quacks who were supposedly trying to heal her. <chemotherapy treatments for cancer> The Hippocratic Oath says “never do harm” – how is poisoning with chemical warfare agents NOT doing harm?!

Their future health has been put at risk by allowing them to become guinea pigs in the giant experiment that is modern medicine and their ridiculous “religious” notion of eliminating all sickness and death through pseudo-science.  You do realize that not that long ago all doctors who practiced based on science were called “quacks”?!  What modern medicine does for people is provide better access to more treatment, more aggressive treatment, starting at an earlier age and lasting for a lifetime.  It most certainly never heals nor does it improve quality of life.

***Omitted extensive quote criticizing the “medical establishment” and science-based health care, promoting healing by “laymen.” ***  Back to his words…

And Ivan Illich is just one in a very long line of brilliant people who have studied the institutions and systems of this culture.  And it is MUCH worse now than when those books were written.

It is absolutely insane that we need doctors to bring babies into the world or to tell us our children are measuring up to standards “they” invented.  Or to be told that our children are “healthy” unless we are not paying any fucking attention at all.  After all, they define what is normal and what is sick and if you are cured.  They also define the treatments.  And they are the ones who profit from the treatments.  So, basically they own the entire racket from end to end.  And in order to stay in business in the modern environment, they need to generate increased revenue each year.

It doesn’t take much reflection to realize that the best way to do this is to invent treatments for “diseases” and “disorders” which do not exist – such as ADHD, osteoporosis, learning disabilities, etc.  Naturally, these “treatments” never “cure” otherwise they would be called cures!  These treatments must be applied consistently until one dies thus rendering people permanently diseased (in a perpetual state of dis-ease).  The perfect continuity program.  A continual stream of income from healthy people who have been labeled sick, will never be cured and cannot see any other options.  Modern medicine’s goal is to convert all healthy people into patients.

*** Omitted quote about “Disease mongering” – trumping up symptoms, creating new treatable illnesses, etc. ***

The best part is that all of the treatments have toxic side effects and thus the side effects need to be treated and then the side effects of the side effects treated.  The game never ends.  And all these treatments loot people of their hard earned money and force them to become wage slaves to afford insurance that barely covers anything anymore and provides them with the “gift” of unlimited access to treatments they not only don’t need but are in fact killing them!  Just look at your grandparents.  Their dignity and what should be the most wonderful years of their life – elderhood – have been completely stolen from them.  Do you want to end up like them – spending your elder years in hospitals and clinics?  If they changed their diet and stopped going to the doctor and taking their poisons – they would heal and could once again enjoy their lives.  Sadly, that won’t happen because nobody is questioning that the system doesn’t fucking work and isn’t supposed to!  They will never get better doing what they are doing.  That wouldn’t square with the business model of this culture – maximum exploitation of all resources including human beings.

If you don’t wake up soon to the reality of these systems – it is our children who will suffer the most.  They will be fucked just like us!

On a side note, please don’t ask me if I want any junk food anymore.  I don’t want to go out to eat.  I don’t want to eat junk food at home.  If you want to continue poisoning yourself, that is your right.  But, I don’t want to be any part of it anymore.  If you want to continue poisoning our children, there is likely nothing I can do about it.  It will never stop bothering the hell out of me and I will continue to educate them about how such choices will make them fat, sick and apathetic just like everyone around them.  I am not sure I can sit there watching it either. <He was a “fat-free vegan”.  So “junk food” in his mind is not the same as most people.  Anything with meat, dairy, fat, sugar, or processed in any way was junk food to him.  He thought beans should be eaten in limited quantities (too much protein).  And fruit should be very limited (too much sugar).  And natural fat should be avoided (olives, nuts, etc.)  He ate the same 4 meals every day.>

If an equal amount of damage was inflicted with a stick – we would go to prison for child abuse/neglect.  But, poisoning human beings is acceptable in this culture.  It is even fun!  After all, that is the essence of Halloween.  Feed the economy and poison your children.  We all know junk food causes serious, and irreparable, damage to the human body but apparently the excitement and joy of a child gleefully chewing up their poison outweighs their future health. <Can you picture how much fun it was for me and our children to spend Halloween with him?>

One day when our boys have their tonsils or appendix removed or have a degenerative disc in their back or a bum knee or a bad hip or migraine headaches or get cancer or diabetes or have a heart attack – it will be 100% our fault.  We will have to live with that because it was not genetics or the environment or old age – those are just magic tricks used to distract people from realizing that it is NOT natural for the human body to prematurely fall apart at the seams.  It was meant to last a lifetime – including full vision, full hearing, all teeth, etc.  It helps people accept that nothing can be done but go to the doctor for more highly profitable but utterly useless treatments!?  Or buy ridiculous potions such as vitamins and supplements.  The combination of eating junk food and being in the medical system – and only those two things – will be responsible for the poor health of our children.  And mostly it will be what we teach them to put on their forks.  What we “condition” them to enjoy.  They would eat dog shit if we fed it to them early and often.

Given how we were raised, we both likely have cancer growing in us right now.  So, when it strikes – don’t act surprised and shocked that one day we were healthy and the next we were sick.  Bullshit – it was growing inside of us for 12-14 years before we found it and it already spread to our other organs around year two.  A healthy immune system is the only thing that can heal us and our diet controls that.  But, it is okay that our children no longer have a mother or father because at least we enjoyed bellying up to the trough.  I am sure they will understand that the pleasure of junk food (and fitting in) was much more important than being alive to see their children born.

I just cannot understand how anyone could possibly be more interested in how the <NFL team> did or what Justin Beiber’s new haircut looks like than their own children’s future.  How could any parent who gives a shit not do whatever it takes to find the “truth” so that their children have a legitimate chance at a truly meaningful and significant life?!  To not be completely “dis-abled” by this culture.

Can’t you see the effect junk food has on <Child 1>?!  He is already thoroughly addicted.  It is nearly all he talks about – other than television, machines and toys (the makings of a good little consumer slave).  He doesn’t need to tell me he ate some junk food – I can see it in his body.  His eyes look glossed over, he has black rings under his eyes, he is lethargic, he is tired, he is out of control emotionally – he looks like a fucking zombie.  The same exact look when he is put in front of a television screen.  Look how often he is sick and for how long.  Something has changed and that is how much junk food he is consuming!

I never wanted to poison our children like this and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.  I have never struggled with junk food but I do now.  It is a sick and disgusting example to set for our children.  We should be playing outside with them instead of sitting at the table drugging the entire family for hours.

This all makes me so fucking mad because with each passing day – their futures are looking more and more bleak.  Unless you consider working at a job you hate, being in a loveless marriage, drinking beer, eating pizza and ice cream, smoking, playing video games, watching television and gossiping about others a life!?  This is the life of the walking dead – those who have given up and settled for a life based on whatever the multi-national corporations have available for profitable sale at that moment in time. <We did not drink or smoke, he forbid video games and television, and he isolated me so there was no way to gossip about others, much less even talk to others.>

I just cannot understand how a life of simplistic television fantasies, celebrity gossip and junk food is all you want out of your life.  Why don’t you want more?!  Why aren’t you willing to educate yourself on everything school, and this culture, never taught us – which ironically is the only stuff that matters?

Surely – this will come across as blame, judgment, criticism and like a lecture.  I am sorry but I just cannot take this anymore.  And like most people in this culture – you will probably never wake up from the school induced sleepwalking.  I just can’t fucking give up because our children are going to pay for this and I never want to look back with regret.  I am doing everything I can to figure out the truth (which cannot be found in the mainstream media).  If you don’t want to help me, then you will have to answer to your children when they ask you why you destroyed our planet and led them down the fucking dead end road that is becoming a wage-slave and consumer.

A consumer of packaged education, packaged health, packaged food stuffs, packaged technologies, packaged entertainment, packaged security, packaged safety, packaged predictability, packaged death (both while alive and in their final hours), etc. – all paid for through life sucking slavery.  Exactly the mindset Sesame Street and nonsensical children’s books teach.  The mindset of slavery to industrialization and it’s sick institutions.  “Doctors/Teachers are wonderful.  They are your friend.  You can blindly trust them because they are certified.  They have degrees.  They are smart.  They know what they are doing.  They care about you.  It is fun and exciting to go to the doctor/school.  Blah, blah, blah.”  If any of this were true, we wouldn’t have to “condition” children to believe it!  Sadly, the ruthless repetition of these messages definitely works its magic as intended.  Hence why <Child 1> thinks school is exciting.  Where else would he learn such utter bullshit?!

I may fail in my attempts to help them but at least I will know I gave it everything I had.  That I was willing to face reality and feel depressed and overwhelmed by it, to not fit in with other adults and my own family, etc. – if it meant that I could give them a chance at producing a genuine life – the adventure all human beings long for and why nearly everyone in our culture feels empty inside.  We are violating our biology, our birthright, our blueprint, our original instructions.

If all you can see is that you are to blame and I am God – then I truly fucking give up.  Do you really want our children to grow up like us or like the typical person in this culture?!  We are both so fucking messed up.  Do you want them to commit suicide or shoot up a school?  The mass media conveniently left out that Littleton, Colorado has long been a suicide capital even though it is an extremely wealthy enclave.  This is what “normal” people do when they are trapped inside unnaturally toxic systems and cannot see a way out but are unwilling to “give up” and “settle” for the nonsense and living hell that is our culture.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with those boys.  They fought with everything they had until the day they died.

It is the same reason you see so many musicians, actors, comedians, etc. kill themselves.  There is a reason these people don’t work in Corporate America.  They see through the bullshit.  Yet, they struggle to come to terms with how to live a meaningful life in the meaningless environment we call Western culture.

There is a way out and people have explained it for thousands of years yet few ever reclaim their birthright to a life beyond our wildest imaginations.  Our culture has trapped us in a lifelong adolescent state.  We are not progressing through the 8 or so natural stages of life.  This requires deep nature connection and the hero’s journey deep into the worlds of soul and spirit.  A staple of life throughout human history until Western culture buried it and strip-mined our brains.

“To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting…” ~ E.E. Cummings, US poet (1894 – 1962)

I have accepted that fight and I am willing to die for this.  This is MUCH more important than pushing buttons in an office pissing my life away.  I don’t need health insurance, a 401k, an IRA, a pension, retirement savings, college savings, life insurance, new cars, a new house, etc.  I need the freedom to live an authentic life.  To figure out what the hell is real and what is man-made.  To have an adventure.  To re-connect to the flower I already was before forced schooling and Corporate America decided to change my color, the number of petals I have and the environment I was created to blossom within – all for the purposes of becoming an interchangeable machine part in our planned economy.  I want to reconnect with who I was and help our children never lose who they already are.

I read Walden by Henry David Thoreau for the first time quite a few years back.  I wanted what he had then but saw no possibility because I believed in the “one way” to live peddled to us by this culture.  I no longer believe there is such a thing as “one way” for us to live.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.” ~ Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I fully get that you are already overwhelmed and don’t have the energy/time to devote to such things.  Yet, I don’t know how we cannot afford to find a way.  This is precisely why we need to choose a way of living that supports meaningful lives.  The freedom and energy to do what is important instead of what has been manufactured as urgent.

Heck David & Micki Colfax homesteaded with their four boys in the California mountains and wrote two books – “Homeschooling for Excellence” and “Hard Times in Paradise” (I have both).  All four were accepted to Harvard and living was their only education (thus unschooled).  Something like homesteading is scary because we have been rendered useless people incapable of doing anything but consuming packaged life.  Why aren’t we producing our own lives instead or consuming a script written by someone else – in this case corporations?!  Leandre Bergeron also hoomesteaded his kids and wrote a wonderful book – “For the Sake of our Children” (I also have).

If you only had six months to live, is this how you would live your final days?  If not, what are you waiting for?  I would most certainly not be living this way.  If you weren’t in my life, I would just pull the plug today and walk away.  I would sell all of the useless shit and go find a tiny place in the woods and begin learning how to take care of myself.  I would choose a subsistence lifestyle until I healed and found the vision for my life that is buried inside.  What is the worst that could happen?  Are we going to die?  What do we have to lose?  Our lives are already pure hell.  Why not flush what we have been “given” down the toilet and build something we actually have “chosen” for ourselves.  That is what I would do.

Our children would learn more from that experience than Harvard could ever hope to teach them.  Simulated learning based on fulfilling fictitious needs (such as passing tests) will never compare to direct experience based on fulfilling legitimate needs (feeding oneself).  Necessity is the mother of invention.

How exciting life would be if we were both trying to understand our world and constantly learning new skills right along with our children.  And watching as our lives and those of our children improve each and every day.  It is never too late.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

I am sure it all sounds kooky and I would have thought you had lost your mind – if you had sent me stuff like this five years ago.  And now it all seems like the most natural thing in the world.  Just like eating vegan or not going to the doctor for physicals.  The fear of dying without meat and medical intervention is completely gone for me.

And if you think this is all just selfishness, it is because you still believe in the domination structures and their duty, obligation, responsibility bullshit that widens the boundaries of slavery to include being a slave to your spouse, your children, your parents, your “community” (which we really don’t have in this culture), etc.  Instead of doing only those things you can do with the joy of a young child feeding a hungry duck.  If we do anything with the spirit of duty, obligation and responsibility – everyone suffers.  Which is exactly where we find ourselves.

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, ‘Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?’ And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, ‘Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.’ And we … kill those people. ‘Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.’ It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.” ~ Bill Hicks

I just wish you would question such things and take a look outside the walls of your prison cell to see that most of what makes life truly wonderful cannot be found on the inside.  I know it is true because I have an inner peace and trust in my instincts and intuition that I never dreamed possible just a few short years ago.  I cannot imagine going back to the hellish mental prison I once didn’t even know I was in.  Freedom feels so good.  I wish I could show you.  I wish I could find a way to give you just a little taste.  Unfortunately, it is a very difficult and painful journey to get to the other side.  And perhaps you will never choose to break free from your comfortable and familiar misery.  I hope I am wrong.

With more love than you can possibly imagine,

If that was how he talked to me via email, in word choice, topics, and length, can you imagine what it was like to listen to him in person?  Yeah, it was that great.


In the Beginning

An unfortunately fitting end to 2014: I saw my children for 2 days in the past 2 weeks. When they showed up on my doorstep on New Year’s Eve, they were 20 minutes late, exhausted, and smelled like they hadn’t bathed in weeks. They will be with me for just 1 day before they return to their father for another 3 days. A man whom I’ve been told is a danger to them.  That I should “pray he walks into the woods and never comes back.”  That him disappearing would be psychologically and physically better for his kids than having him in their lives. I was told to fight for them as hard as I could, and I did, yet the person with the power to help does nothing. Somehow I am supposed to accept this horrible situation. As a loving mom, it’s killing me.

But as we begin 2015, I look at the wonder in my life. Two beautiful, happy, smart, healthy, fun-loving boys. An incredible family that has blessed me every day with their support and love. An abundance of new friends and renewed connections with old friends who energize me with their compassion, kind words, strength, and fun. A man who inspired me to fall in love for the first time in my life, and makes me feel loved in a way I have never known.

In 2015, I take back my power. I take back my life. There will be no more silence, no more fear. The story will be told and the world will know the truth. Stay tuned folks…truth can be stranger than fiction.